AOhWell

Link Wars!

A long time ago, in a forum far far away…

Episode IV, A New Flame

It is a period of uncivilized war.   Rebellious posters, striking from hidden IPs, have pretended to win their first victory against the evil ‘whoever opposes them’.  During the battle, they spied to steal secret plans from the ultimate weapon, the WIKI, an armored link with enough power to destroy an entire argument.  Pursued by the Internet’s sinister ‘answers’ agents, they “board” their quips, and pass off intellectual property as their own to save their egos, and restore dignity to the “Post Quick Reply” button.

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YAGC Tribute

So we say goodbye to George Carlin.  He was the kind of comedian that either made you laugh, or didn’t.  But there was no in between.  For me, it was laughter.  What’s not to like about a guy who wasn’t afraid to make fun of even the most cherished of institutions, while simultaneously pointing out irony in ordinary life.

The man who invented Frisbeetarianism, the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck, will now remain forever stuck on the roof.  George, make yourself useful and clean out the gutters while you’re up there.

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That’s great it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes…

How many ways are there for the world to end?  This article from Discovery magazine lists 20 methods ranging from “asteroid impact” to “someone wakes up and realizes it was all a dream” - The Matrix.

But what about more creative ways?  Simultaneous suicide of everyone, heat death of the universe?

But fear not for science has discovered immortality.  Eventually, the universe will dissipate back into the ‘nothing’ from which it came.  But as it turns out, our salvation lies in vaccum fluctuations.  Given enough time, an exact replica of our own universe - complete with you and I in it - will reemerge.  ….and since we will not notice the 10^1000 years that passed between our death and our rebirth, it will be as if we had never died at all.

…more details here.

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The road less travelled by…

ahhh, the venerable utilitarian sidewalk. …the greatest paved institution since paved sliced bread.

I don’t know about you (honestly, I have no idea who you even are), but have you noticed an odd trend in sidewalks lately? It seems that a lot of cities have mandated sidewalks for new construction, and a lot of builders have decided to make visually appealing meandering sidewalks. That’s right, who wants to walk in a straight line when you can graciously curve back and forth on a sidewalk that starts and ends in front of a subdivision but otherwise goes nowhere? I mean come on. If you’re going to go to the trouble of getting onto the sidewalk to nowhere, surely it’s only because you wanted to meander around aimlessly anyway right

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about (which I’ve discovered is surprisingly often!), perhaps this will help…

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Bad Science

With the movie ‘Expelled’ releasing this weekend with great accolades from Creationist think tanks and Conservative talk show drug addicts nationwide, this author had a chance to preview some of the movie. To my surprise, I quickly learned that Darwin was actually a card carrying member of the Nazi party, that evolution is the process by which a body builder would pass his hulking muscles onto his children, and that science is a euphemism for religious indoctrination.

To paraphrase the classic line from Billy Madison,

Mr. Stein, your movie is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in that rambling, incoherent waste of 2 hours did you even come close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this theater is now dumber for having seen it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

For those who might be interested in something a little more high brow than Expelled, you might try Zombie Strippers instead, also opening this weekend.

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Butt rocket

ok, this one speaks for itself.

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Congress passes Resolution to eliminate April Fool’s day.

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the closet (you have come out haven’t you?), Congress pulls yet another head shaking action. They’ve passed a resolution to eliminate April Fool’s day. April first will henceforth be known as ‘April 1st’.

Come on folks, it’s bad enough they feel the need to get involved in steroid usage in Baseball, but this is bordering on the absurd. Who do these people think they are, Alan Greenspan?

Rumor has it (ok, I started the rumor), that Bush secretly asked for this because he was tired of the day being called “W. Day”.

At any rate, if you want to know more about HR-420, here it is.

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Decision ‘08

If you’re like most people, your caught up in discussions about who to vote for in November, McCain, or the Democratic nominee.  If you’re like many, you’re basing your decision on who you don’t want as much as who you do want.

“Well, McCain isn’t really a conservative, but I’ll be damned if I’m letting Hillary take office and destroy the country with grand new social programs.”

or…

“Gee, I really have no idea what Obama stands for, but I do know he isn’t a Republican.”

Do either of these sound familiar to you?  If so, you fallen into the trap they want you to fall into, which is a false sense that your vote is going to swing the election.  When’s the last time the Presidential election came down to 1 vote?  Even last time, with all the mess that happened in Florida, it was impossible for 1 vote to decide the result, because it ended up being decided by the Supreme Court.

The reality is, your vote will not decide the election.  You can’t keep Hillary out of office, nor McCain.  It’s going to happen no matter how you vote.  What then is the purpose of voting?  Why not just stay home?  The purpose of voting is to express who your preferences.  Voting for McCain because you hate Hillary just because you hate McCain less is not going to be viewed as a vote against Hillary, it’s going to be viewed as a vote for McCain and all he represents.  Likewise voting for Obama is not going to be seen as a vote against McCain or the Republicans, as much as it will be seen as a vote for Obama.

So, if you’re strongly conservative, and McCain isn’t doing it for you, why not vote Libertarian or Constitution party?  If your more liberal than Obama or Hillary, why not vote for Nader or the Peace and Freedom party?

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The anti-conspiracy conspiracy.

We all know of famous historical conspiracies; the founding of the US (a nominally ‘good’ conspiracy, but a conspiracy nonetheless), Hitler’s rise to power, 9/11 (the official story has a group of 20+ terrorists conspiring, so yes, it’s a real conspiracy), all premeditated acts of organized crime, etc.

But yet, even though we are all familiar with real conspiracies, people who suggest that a conspiracy might be behind an event, are laughed off as some kind of lunatic fringe.  Why is that?

I submit it’s due to a grand conspiracy to devalue conspiracy theories, thus ensuring the success of further conspiracies.  Super intelligence was required to craft this plan, so I think it’s safe to say no elected officials were involved, unless of course, the elected officials actually are super intelligent, and simply act foolish to throw us off their scent.  Hmmm.  Yes, on second thought, the anti-conspiracy conspiracy probably is being led by elected officials.  They sit there in their dark smoke filled rooms drinking Conac coming up with ever more devious conspiracies, and ever more bizzare fake conspiracies to mask the real ones.

I bet they’re reading this and laughing at us right now.

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Sandra Bullock…you SO don’t want to be the guy!

Here’s a listing of her movies since Speed:

The Net: the guy gets whacked

While You Were Sleeping: although still alive, the guy is mostly dead the whole movie

In Love and War: Guy get’s severly wounded

A Time to Kill: No boyfriend, N/A

Two if by Sea:  BF gets dumped and chased by the mob

Speed 2: …an exception to every rule

Welcome to Hollywood: bit part…safe

Making Sandwiches:  No-one actually saw this movie, so it doesn’t count

Hope Floats:  husband gets dumped

Practical Magic: Husband gets hit by a truck (dead of course)

Prince of Egypt: cartoons don’t count either

Forces of Nature: ok, some rules have 2 exceptions

Gun Shy: well, hey, the guy is nuts, doesn’t that count?

28 Days: BF gets dumped

Miss Congeniality: ok 3 exceptions, you know what, let’s just ignore all the comedies.  We’re talking about dramas only…yah, that’s the ticket!

Lisa Picard is Famous: bit part

Murder by Numbers: Hellooo!  It has “murder” in the title!

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood: The future mother in law from HELL!

Two Weeks Notice: Guy goes through emotial hurricane

Miss Congeniality 2: …look I already told you comedies don’t count.  It doesn’t matter if the movie wasn’t funny!

Crash: what the hell?  I can’t make heads or tails out of this movie.  Let’s just assume something bad happened to the guy.

Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner: bit part

The Lake House:  Turns out, the guy was actually dead the whole movie!

Loverboy: I didn’t see this one, so it doesn’t count either.  Bullock was supposedly in it.

Infamous: The guy is emotionally disturbed

Premonition:  the guy dies multiple times

All About Steve: I think the guy is gay.  Why else would he not be interested in Sandra’s character?

One of the Guys:  all the guys want her, how many get hurt?

The Proposal: Just using the guy

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